so glad to be done with awkward dating.

So, I’m married now. I don’t have to put myself through awkward dates anymore.  But, everyone I know has at least one story to tell about some kind of crazy date they went on once. Or maybe they have multiple awkward dates. Sad story for you if this is you.

My dear friend Amanda first comes to mind, when a couple years ago, her date was shot with a Taser gun while running down the street with no shirt on. And really, he seemed like a completely normal guy. I met him and I NEVER would have thought, “hmm…I bet this guy will get Tasered on his date with Amanda later this week.” Anyway, see, he wasn’t normal. He was crazy with a capital C.   He’s history now.

For me, there’s one date that comes to mind as particularly t-e-r-r-i-b-l-e. First of all, I was set up. Blind date. Lesson learned: don’t blind date. Ever.

I’d just gotten out of a long-term relationship and had a friend who was determined to set me up with her friend Mike.

We went to dinner.  Mike was a nice guy, but he was the kind of guy that’s just too nice. You know…that kind of glazed-over, smiley, oddly happy personality (think Ryan from the Bachelorette); this was Mike. I could say, “Hey Mike, do you want me to read you my thesis on subatomic blah blah blah?” and he surely would have grinned from ear to ear and heartily agreed like this was the most engaging proposition he’d had in years. Flattering, but definitely uncomfortable.

After we left dinner, he said he was taking me to a comedy show. I am NOT a girl who goes to comedy shows or really shows at all, to be honest. Or clubs, or anything with loudness, crowds, etc. etc.

I am a bookworm, a perpetual homebody. I don’t mix well with clubs or shows or comedy. (Okay, I do like comedy, just on my TV, preferably while watching the Golden Girls, Troop Beverly Hills, or Baby’s Day Out.)

We arrived at the show and we were one of ten people in the audience. There had to have been at least 100 empty seats. AND, it was a stand-up show which meant that there was a possibility of interactive comedy which just completely made my stomach turn. Read: people being called onto the stage. (My brain screams, “Not me! Not me!”)

After ten minutes of sitting quietly in the dark while Mike stared at me with a goofy smile on his face, the show began.    As I’m prone to do at any given time, I was having a hard time focusing and staring off into space throughout most of the comedy routine.

However, my attention was rudely seized when one of the men on stage yelled, “hey you, Barbie!” I looked around and I was the only woman on the entire left side of the room where he was pointing.

“Hey, yeah you, Barbie! Come on up here,” he shouted.  (First of all, I am NOT Barbie. I have blonde hair, but I’m short. I’m 5’1″ and I do not have the extreme bodily proportions of Barbie.)

Needless to say, my face turned fire engine red. The man wouldn’t stop shouting for me to come on the stage and not knowing what else to do, I walked to the stage feeling as if I was walking the plank.

Once on stage, I had to pretend I was a coal miner and argue with one of the guys about the quality of the coal he was mining. It was AWFUL. Nightmarish.  Mike took me home after the show and called a few days later. I didn’t answer the phone and I didn’t return his calls. I was too embarrassed. Anyway, that’s my most awkward, awful date ever. What’s yours?

P.S. Which reminds me of my middle school break-up style. In 8th grade, I had this boyfriend who I had liked for, say, 5 days (in typical 8th grade style). He’d call me each night between 8-9pm. On the 6th day, when I decided I didn’t like him anymore, I decided to disconnect my phone line every night between 8-9pm.

Seriously. I know that sounds a little kooky, but I did not want to talk to this guy. This continued for two weeks, until I got up the guts to dump him. Over AOL Instant Messenger. (Remember how cool that was in the late 90s?? Maybe that’s just me. )

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